My Personal Transition Story.

I want to thank you for being curious to check out what I have to say, also sorry in advance for its length, so if you do decide to read beyond this point. Thank you, it really means a lot. 

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My feelings or earliest memories of something was off started when I was probably around 4 years old, some of my earliest memories around that time were of being in preschool and kindergarten I use to envy other girls and use to always try to play with them but either they'd not want to play together or either the teacher would not allow it (boys and girls essentially played separate sides of the room or playground), but just remember always feeling left out or envious. Also, I have memories from around this time, where whenever I'd see photos of women models in magazines laying around at my or my grandma's house, or see some pretty woman or actress on tv, I use to imagine and wish I would grow up to be just like them. I use to also go into my parents or grandma's room when they weren't around and cross dress, put on their makeup, perfume, and just imagine I was a girl. I'd also imagined that if I were caught that whoever saw me would think and believe I was a girl. 

So, these feelings and explorations continued throughout my early childhood, unfortunately I did not know what to call it at the time and unfortunately also knew it was something to keep secret from others (else there may be punishment/scolding, teasing or bullying). It would take all the way to about age 12 years old, that I discovered all about transvestites (drag queens/kings), sex changes, and sort of had a name for what I always felt (thought I was a transvestite but would take a little bit longer to really learn about the differences between transvestite and transsexual/transgender. 

It would not be until my adult age that I gained the initial confidence to explore who I really was inside when I met someone who was transgender (Female to Male), we hit it off and formed a relationship. He took me on my first outings as female and was very supportive, we went to a pride festival down in San Diego, and out to random places on dates or hanging out at our apartment we shared together at the time where I'd get to figure out who I was and form my true identity. 

Thanks to this experience with him, he helped give me the courage and inform me about how to go about making an appointment to see a doctor and was there alongside me to my first visit to a specialist and I began Hormone Replacement Therapy. 

Unfortunately, we went parted ways sometime later, but I continued for a couple years on hormones and kept what I learned about true myself secret from my friends and family...  one day I had a coworker make fun of me when I worked a warehouse job, he pulls up alongside me on his forklift and said something along the lines of "bro you need to lay off those burgers looks like you have chi-chis", he didn't think anything of it other than maybe I was fat, gaining weight. So that's when I realized I had to begin chest binding, eventually moved on to wearing compression shirts under my t-shirts, and also started to wearing shirts sized larger to also help hide the fact that I was growing a more noticeable chest area as time passed due to 1-2 years being on hormones. 

At 21 years old and also back living with family, I don't remember exactly what spurred the discussion, but one night when having a random chat with my sister, I felt compelled to finally tell someone close that I was transgender, so I told her and to my relief and gratitude, she said she had her suspicions, and upon coming out to her she was 100% fully supportive about the news. Having a slight confidence boost from this encounter, later that same night mustered the courage to tell my mother. My mom, unlike my sister, did not receive the news as enthusiastic as my sister as she seemed to have expressed a bit of irritation about it, but this wasn't due to her being opposed to this reveal, instead she just wasn't sure what how to react or what to say or do in response to learning her son wanted to be or was her daughter, fortunately, after having some time to process the news (literally just the next day), she seemed more on board and supportive of me. 

As for my father, oh boy... it would not be for a couple months until I finally mustered every ounce of courage to come out to him. Unfortunately growing up, I had a hard time ever talking to my dad, we butted heads a lot, had plenty of arguments that may at have bordered physical confrontation (luckily never gone that far or passed that line) as we just simply had completely polar opposite and conflicting personalities. Although we did have our fun or father and son moments together on occasion and he'd often take interest in whatever projects were going on in my life. However, me being anti-social and introverted did not help as my father is a very outspoken and extroverted personality with a big ego, and likely a tad narcissistic.  

The day I told my dad, even with my mom nearby, that moment when I came out as trans to my dad, he was not happy one bit, he was immediately furious and very defensive. I don't remember exactly what was said, but one thing that I do remember distinctively from this moment is that when I said to him something along the lines of "I feel like I was born wrong the wrong gender, that I should have been born female", he took this statement like a personal attack, as he responded irrationally and in anger by accusing me of stating that he and my mom were biologically or genetically defective or something along those lines. Overall wasn't a pleasant encounter, and hate to say it but he sort of turned himself into the victim behind all the anger and treated me being transgender as an attack either against him or the family. 

Luckily, nothing consequential came out of this, other than my dad being really upset for a while, and kind of disowning me (estranged), and we could literally go weeks or even months without even a single exchange of words, not even a hello regardless of the fact we lived under the same roof (I had moved back in with my parents when I had separated with my boyfriend). I have a feeling that if it wasn't for my mom and sister being in full support of me, and my brother who didn't really care one way or the other, I have a feeling I'd would have been booted out the house and family if my dad were to be the only one to make that kind of decision. One thing for sure, he did proceed to continue to dead name and misgender me a lot and such intentionally and refused to acknowledge me as female even after I began to live my life as female publicly/socially. 

However not all was lost, I would say a year later, maybe more, I eventually won over my dad. Thanks to me being in college at the time and enthralled in English literature and composition classes, my writing game was on point around this period, so one day, feeling inspired to try to do something to spawn the ever-growing wedge between us, I just began writing... I just began composing a letter to my dad. Next thing I remember is I walked to my parent's room where my dad would watch tv, and I said "here.", handed a folded letter to him and slinked away back to my room. I honestly don't remember what I wrote in that letter (wish I could), but whatever it was, all I know is that sometime later there was a knock at my bedroom door, my dad asked to come in and wanted to talk to me, he was visibly crying; he hugged me and said numerous apologies to me, and from that day forward he accepted who I truly am, I was no longer his son, instead his daughter. The memory of this day is making me tear up right now typing this as this recently my dad was recently taken from us (malpractice), and that memory of him accepting me as his daughter was one of the most cherished memories I can recall with my dad. 

Backing up a bit in time after that warehouse job previously mentioned, I had begun working an office job at the Port of Los Angeles for US DHS, pretty much hit it off with the girls at the office, we also got to do a lot of traveling around the US to often to perform our duties where needed. 

So it was on one of these outings, while three of us were hanging out in one of our hotel rooms hanging out, not sure what provoked it but I spontaneously decided to come out truthfully to them, and by truthfully, I mean they knew I had a boyfriend before, so all the girls in the office just thought I was gay (actually bi), however their response to the reveal that I was actually transgender, they took this moment as an opportunity to firstly express being happy about it but secondly, to pile on to try to talk me into letting both of them do my makeup and curl part of my hair (as seen in two of the photos above). Back home, and with encouragement by my coworkers, I soon decided to come out to the entire office and began showing up to work in some make up and as female, but still dressed as male as I didn't really own any appropriate for an office/normal female attire. 

So it was on one of these outings, while three of us were hanging out in one of our hotel rooms hanging out, not sure what provoked it but I spontaneously decided to come out truthfully to them, and by truthfully, I mean they knew I had a boyfriend before, so all the girls in the office just thought I was gay (actually bi), however their response to the reveal that I was actually transgender, they took this moment as an opportunity to firstly express being happy about it but secondly, to pile on to try to talk me into letting both of them do my makeup and curl part of my hair (as seen in two of the photos above). Back home, and with encouragement by my coworkers, I soon decided to come out to the entire office and began showing up to work in some make up and as female, but still dressed as male as I didn't really own any appropriate for an office/normal female attire. 

However, this would change one day, as two other coworker friends invited me to out shopping with them after work to the mall, a Forever 21, where unbenounced to me, I thought they were looking at clothes for themselves, instead it turned out they were picking out clothes for me! I guess they felt compelled to help with my issue of that I was now out as trans, but I was afraid to go shopping on my own to get clothes, so with a selection of various clothing, they corralled me into a fitting room to try them on...

They were in for a shock when I walked out of that dressing room with a low-cut top and saw what I managed to hide. Anyways, I purchased everything they helped pick out that they said looked good on me, because at this time as I had no eye for nor clue what looked good or appropriate, as I never wore this style of clothing in my entire life up to that point, however from that day forth, I was officially full-time female in life for the next many years...  

but alas, government work always has the risk of government budget cuts and layoffs, and this is exactly what happened to the office I was at, as one-by-one we were let go until there was only a handful of us left and ultimately our jobs made redundant by being contracted out to 3rd party. 

Regretfully, now being unemployed I made a huge mistake, because rather than deciding to pursue finding another job and striving forward, instead I applied for unemployment and essentially became lazy. As a result over time, I slowly stopped keeping up my feminine appearance, as it's constant work to keep up the appearance as a trans female to a level that I felt confident with how I looked to step outside into the world, and unfortunately just much easier to be lazy and felt a bit pointless since no job to help motivate me to upkeep a good appearance, and ultimately I reverted back to being male, also I believe I was just giving into being depressed, and began shutting myself in, giving in to my anti-social tendencies and I guess felt like I lost my support system as a lot of the friends I made at that job, eventually we grew apart as time passed. 

Eventually I even stopped taking hormones, as being unemployed also meant no more insurance to afford those expensive prescriptions, I tried to pay for them out of pocket, however that was like about $300 per refill or at the time essentially a big chunk of unemployment, and eventually the refill/rx expired and without insurance or a doctor to call to refill the Rx, I couldn't get a new one. I even resorted to trying black market hormones (from New Zealand and Vanuatu of all places) but never really felt comfortable taking those, and further had trouble getting into free clinics due to the years of working as the free clinics around my area at that time wouldn't give assistance if your yearly income taxes were beyond their threshold, regardless of the fact that you were now on unemployment, so as a result I stopped taking hormones completely. 

Especially as this was still in the time of what I personally call the tail end of the dark ages for trans people. The tail end of when doctors/clinics could refuse to provide care to someone if they are trans (even for non-trans related issues), where trans care was still considered cosmetic by the insurance companies and even by medical doctors and clinics... The horror stories you use to hear about in some areas of the US, how even doctors or insurance companies refused to treat patients with serious health issues, such as cancer and refuse cancer treatment, because the individual was transgender; all because their appearance or their biology did not match the gender on their medical record. Luckily, we are way past this (for the most part), the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) came along to overhaul the healthcare and insurance system and overall trans-awareness, especially legislation in the later part of the last decade solved many of these issues trans individuals, including myself I faced when I was transitioning back then and trans care has since and is considered medically necessary and no longer is it considered cosmetic by insurers. 

Unfortunately for me, along with stopping transitioning, I sort of fell out of the loop and stopped being too involved with trans-related news, so when a lot of these sweeping reforms involving trans-health took effect over the recent past decade, I missed out being first in line and taking advantage of the changes. A couple years went by like this, until I finally had to rejoin the workforce as unemployment and any savings dried up and I began having to dip into credit, and parents pushing me to, so this was when I applied to work at an Amazon (LAX5). Regretfully, I furthered my previous mistake of stopping my transition, by applying as male and showing up to orientation, got my photo taken as male for my badge, and day 1 training still as male. So, in other words, I was back at square one and at the time essentially undid the previous decade's worth of change. 

So here I stand today, now 4 years with Amazon, presently here with you at ONT8 <3, I've decided enough is enough, I need to get my life back in order, stop being afraid and do something to improve myself, because to be honest, these past many years not being who I really am has made me feel miserable, destroyed my self-esteem/image, and just overall I've become afraid just like the kid who I was while growing up, afraid to reveal what I really felt or who I really am to family, friends and the world. I am also very self-conscious about how I look currently and also filled myself with tons of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear over thoughts of what others may think/feel and overall, just a feeling of defeat, so this needs to stop. 

This year, I reached out and stumbled upon some transgender groups online, also with our swap to Slack, the Glamazon and Transgender Affinity Groups, all of these resources have been a big help in helping me rediscover my confidence and especially reading other's "coming out stories", seeing plenty of before and after photos, I have decided enough is enough, it's time to do something about this!  

I will be starting my transition again to female, so I hope you aren't caught by surprise and you had time to process this. It's been many years since the last time, so let me apologize in advance when I do if I seem off, look strange, and/or act very socially awkward, as I will need time to undo and break a lot of bad habits and undo years of socialization and relearn how to be and hopefully resettle comfortably as female once again. 

Also, during this time, I would appreciate if you may refer to me by female pronouns (she/her) or neutral pronouns (they/them), and no worries about the occasional mix-up, I understand it takes time to adjust to change, and for some I know it may take quite a long time, just as long as it's not intentionally done maliciously, it's all okay :) 

Any who, if you have any questions, doesn't matter if you feel they may be taboo, too personal, or even private, still feel free to ask. Trust me, this is not my first rodeo, I have years of previous experience with this and I've pretty much heard every question in the book in those years, so don't feel afraid or shy to ask whatever may be on your mind, 

 

Thank you for reading to the end of this novel :P
- Raven

P.S. for those who are not of the faint of heart, I have a haunting tale from the past... it involves bass guitars, metal music, friends, and my unfortunate personal first-hand encounter with Transphobia :|  https://ravennn.blogspot.com/2022/10/to-play-bass-guitar-some-time-after.html

My First Encounter With Transphobia

To play bass guitar that was the dream... Sometime after highschool ended along with a friend from high school who played drums, who I've first known since middle school and who we became best friends after highschool, I phoned them up one day and proposed that we should start a band again; we were previously in one during high school with other HS friends. My friend and I hung out multiple times per week, usual stuff, go out for food, go to concerts, and "bro it up", so forming a new band was just something else we could do together. Soon we were joined by a guitarist and sometime later vocalist we recruited by posting fliers at various rehearsal studios and dropping off at concert venues, soon we all became friends as we practiced, got to know each other, shared similar interests, and created music together.

Besides playing bass, as time went on and we were ready to play shows, I managed the band, managed our contacts (i.e. with promoters or venues), booked our shows, organized game plans, etc. I discovered that I was good at networking at the time, making those connections and most importantly filtering the good from the bad connections.

As time went on, our band was growing somewhat in the Los Angeles metal scene, we eventually built a cult following of fans, got the privledge to play at virtually every Hollywood venue at the time along the Sunset strip and Santa Monica Blvd (The Roxy, Key Club, House of Blues, Troubadour, etc), chiefly opening for other metal acts and warming up the crowds, but occasionally we'd headline our own shows at lesser Hollywood/LA area venues (Knitting Factory, Whiskey, Larchmont, etc), and even other venues around the state of California and neighboring.

Around this time, I met and began dating a female-to-male transgender individual,

it was somewhat of a long distance relationship, as we met online and he lived about 50 miles away, so as a result of this, my band never really got to meet him and my bandmates never really had much interest in who I was dating, but they knew I was dating someone who lived a bit of a distance away and that's about all the extent they cared to know or ask about, however if they ever wanted to know  they could see my various posts about them and photos of us from times we gone on dates or I'd stay over their place, I usually be the one to drive over to visit them, as they didn't drive a car (they just drove a scooter) so that too is a reason why he and my band never got to meet.

Then it happened, while we were at a rehearsal studio, preparing for an upcoming show that week, while standing around in the parking lot having a chat as we usually do before we parted ways for the night or my best friend and I decide to go get food and drinks at some restaurant sports bar, the band wanted to have a serious talk with me.. Turns out one of the vocalist's friends had stumbled upon one of my personal social media accounts, not that hard since it wasn't secret, however they discovered I was dating a guy and I assume felt the need to talk to the vocalist about. Soon everyone knew because this night in that parking lot, my friends were taking issue with the fact that I was gay and to my dismay, discovering they were each homophobic. 

The primary reasoning they gave for taking issue was something along the lines of "the band's image" with us being a death metal band, and if people found out that one of it's members is gay; I guess in their minds, it would result in backlash or hate from the fans or public.

Their solution to this? Bash on me and my boyfriend to my face, share their displeasure with the thought, then they demanded that I keep it a secret. Remove all posts/photos of us, or make my social media accounts private. Real homophobic statements and demands.

My response to this? This is where I spilled the beans. Firstly, I let them know I was actually bi, secondly, that my boyfriend was transgender, lastly, immediately followed this by revealing to them that I too am transgender; for all this time, I have been on hormones for a couple years by that point, that I had been wearing compression shirts under my t-shirts to hide my breasts that have been developing as a result of the hormones. 

I believe this reveal caught them off guard as they didn't really know what to say or how to respond to me being trans, other than say they were cool and okay with it, or that my relationship was a straight relationship >.> - So we parted ways for the night, or I just left, this whole ordeal left me uneasy and worried about what would happen next, and personally I just could not comprehend how after all these years, not a single one of them knew, or simply looked at my social media posts, even had the dumb thoughts of maybe it is a bit my fault by not talking more about who I was dating, but that's just awkward and not the type of person I am to brag or talk about private stuff like that... However they did know his name, but I guess didn't put two-and-two together and make a conclusion based on the name, then again it wasn't really a overly masculine or male exclusive name...

Soon I would learn their feigning being okay was just a facade. 

When the upcoming show came, we performed and left the stage... while we were loading our gear into our vehicles and preparing to get ready to each head home for the night, they were insistent on hanging out at the drummer's house, so being the type of person who I was at this time, I couldn't refuse an opportunity to hang out.

So after dropping off my equipment, I drove over to my best friend's house and as soon as everyone was there, the band wanted another serious chat with me, this time dropping a prejudice loaded bombshell on me, telling me that because I am transgender, that they want me out of the band... that they were putting "band image" or just the thought of what others may (or may not) think or say, over the years of us being a tight knit band up to that point. Even the drummer, who was my best friend turned against me -.-

I also learned the real reason why they specifically wanted to go to my best friend's house, as unlike the vocalist and guitarist who weren't really computer users, the drummer was the only other computer user besides myself, and the reason for going to my best friend's was because they insisted that I give up all the passwords to the band's social media accounts and website; I was the one who managed/updated these. At first, I resisted, announced I was going to leave, however at the first twitch I made towards the exit, they essentially blockaded me from leaving by standing between me and the doorway, then proceeded to coerced me to give up the accounts. I was forced to give in to their demand as I was afraid of what may happen if I continued my protest, considering they would not allow me to leave, not until they were able to successfully change the passwords and swap all the accounts to my now ex-best friend's email.

So simply put, not only were my friends homophobic, but more so transphobic, as they were willing to throw away all we have built together, years of forming and grinding the venue scenes, years of friendship, especially the drummer, my best friend, who chose to throw away almost 10 years' worth of friendship. Then all turn against me to the point of coercion. I was devastated. 

To this day, a bit over a decade later, it still makes me feel sad to reflect upon this event, my own personal experience of transphobia, not by strangers, but by my very own friends...

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Luckily, Karma is a vengeful bitch.

Came to find out that I was replaced with one of the vocalist's friends as they wasted no time finding a replacement and updating the band's lineup on the various online profiles. They may have easily found a new bassist, however one key thing they neglected upon booting me out; above where I mentioned that I managed the band, that I maintained all the industry contacts, booked our shows, etc.. I was not lying. So when I was booted out of the band, they also booted my contacts, my networking skills, and years of experience of how to reach out to the various proper channels in the music scene. 

This was the one thing could not take from me that night they cast me aside like garbage.

This night the band went from a band who literally played Hollywood venues opening for larger metal acts, sometimes including some of own favorite bands and getting to kick it back stage with these bands, also even got to travel up and down the west coast to play shows in other major cities, even had a live television appearance where we performed live on air on then a long time Los Angeles based metal show (Metal Madness TV) to now being a band who could only manage to play at a gig at a friend's backyard party and book a single show at a local suburban bar...

As much as I wish I could laugh about or be angry about this event, instead I just feel sadness. Sad because we honestly had a good thing going, momentum was building as time passed, and all of that time, sweat, and effort each one of us put into that band was all for nothing as all of the momentum we've built up together came to a screeching halt that night, all because the people who I thought were my friends were transphobic and showed their true colors with their inability to have a bit of understanding or support for a transgender friend.

About a year after this event, I did receive a call out of the blue from the guitarist who wanted to come over my house, I accepted, and we'd occasionally hang out, even during when I started living full time as female, and occasionally we'd go on double dates, they with their fiancé and me then with an accepting girlfriend, but from them I learned that no sooner than 1/2 a year after I was kicked out from the band, the band split (broke up).

It turns out I was also good at keeping them in check, making the phonecalls to everyone before each rehearsal to make sure they all showed up, etc, as he mentioned they just couldn't keep the band organized, even had issues trying to get together to just rehearse at a rehearsal studio, as one or more of them would flake out or make excuses, and on top of this they had issues trying to book any worthwhile gigs which killed the thunder and I guess the drive to keep playing the band had built up over the years.

Of my old band mates, the guitarist was the one and only one who reached out to apologize and try to form a friendship. I am grateful for that and of course I instantly forgave them and accepted their friendship as if it had never ended.

Unfortunately this renewed friendship between the guitarist and I eventually fizzled out, they eventually stopped coming over to hang out, however, this was not due to any negative reasons, in fact, it was due to good reasons: he was becoming more responsible in life! Out of all of us, he was the only one who had a child and a fiancé, this even back while when we were a band, and now, during this time of renewed friendship, his now wife became pregnant with their second child. So with a growing family, being a father to now two children, and also likely having to put in extra hours at work, his growing family took priority in his life; he and his family ended up moving to a different city, still within LA County, however the complete opposite end, so it was just inconvenient for us to continue to hang out, and especially more hard for him to get away from his job, obligations, and his children.

Overall, the whole situation with my band was f'd and a very heartbreaking moment in my life. Especially losing a long time best friend, all because my bandmates could not accept or cope with the fact that their bassist, their friend, is transgender. It's a memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life but also a memory that helps me through my transition and allows me to rise above trivial instances of transphobia I have encountered elsewhere over the years, as compared to that experience, everything else has been trivial, so much so that I can't even really remember them. 

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This event gives me strength to stand strong and keep my composure as I let stranger's comments slip pass me or tell those who can't take a hint, in a calm and collected manner, that I don't have the time of day for them nor care what about anything they have to say, or sometimes I'd laugh them off when with my better, understanding, and supportive friends. I am beyond hate, transphobia does not drag me down thanks to this.

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I retired from playing bass, even as a hobby, unfortunately playing bass for me in the years immediately proceeding, had this dark moment associated with it, and anytime I would try to play my bass, or simply think about playing bass, I'd just end up dwelling upon that event. So I ultimately gave it up and eventually got rid of everything, did not even keep a single bass guitar, not even this ultra rare beauty:

I do sometimes wonder if enough time has passed, and often feel the urge to play again. Hopefully someday I'll decide to try to pick the hobby back up, as I really enjoyed the sound and creativity I felt while playing bass; I just hope the bad experience won't get in the way anymore, I don't think it will...