I want to thank you for being curious to check out what I have to say, also sorry in advance for its length, so if you do decide to read beyond this point. Thank you, it really means a lot.
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My feelings or earliest memories of something was off started when I was probably around 4 years old, some of my earliest memories around that time were of being in preschool and kindergarten I use to envy other girls and use to always try to play with them but either they'd not want to play together or either the teacher would not allow it (boys and girls essentially played separate sides of the room or playground), but just remember always feeling left out or envious. Also, I have memories from around this time, where whenever I'd see photos of women models in magazines laying around at my or my grandma's house, or see some pretty woman or actress on tv, I use to imagine and wish I would grow up to be just like them. I use to also go into my parents or grandma's room when they weren't around and cross dress, put on their makeup, perfume, and just imagine I was a girl. I'd also imagined that if I were caught that whoever saw me would think and believe I was a girl.
So, these feelings and explorations continued throughout my early childhood, unfortunately I did not know what to call it at the time and unfortunately also knew it was something to keep secret from others (else there may be punishment/scolding, teasing or bullying). It would take all the way to about age 12 years old, that I discovered all about transvestites (drag queens/kings), sex changes, and sort of had a name for what I always felt (thought I was a transvestite but would take a little bit longer to really learn about the differences between transvestite and transsexual/transgender.
It would not be until my adult age that I gained the initial confidence to explore who I really was inside when I met someone who was transgender (Female to Male), we hit it off and formed a relationship. He took me on my first outings as female and was very supportive, we went to a pride festival down in San Diego, and out to random places on dates or hanging out at our apartment we shared together at the time where I'd get to figure out who I was and form my true identity.
Unfortunately, we went parted ways sometime later, but I continued for a couple years on hormones and kept what I learned about true myself secret from my friends and family... one day I had a coworker make fun of me when I worked a warehouse job, he pulls up alongside me on his forklift and said something along the lines of "bro you need to lay off those burgers looks like you have chi-chis", he didn't think anything of it other than maybe I was fat, gaining weight. So that's when I realized I had to begin chest binding, eventually moved on to wearing compression shirts under my t-shirts, and also started to wearing shirts sized larger to also help hide the fact that I was growing a more noticeable chest area as time passed due to 1-2 years being on hormones.
At 21 years old and also back living with family, I don't remember exactly what spurred the discussion, but one night when having a random chat with my sister, I felt compelled to finally tell someone close that I was transgender, so I told her and to my relief and gratitude, she said she had her suspicions, and upon coming out to her she was 100% fully supportive about the news. Having a slight confidence boost from this encounter, later that same night mustered the courage to tell my mother. My mom, unlike my sister, did not receive the news as enthusiastic as my sister as she seemed to have expressed a bit of irritation about it, but this wasn't due to her being opposed to this reveal, instead she just wasn't sure what how to react or what to say or do in response to learning her son wanted to be or was her daughter, fortunately, after having some time to process the news (literally just the next day), she seemed more on board and supportive of me.
As for my father, oh boy... it would not be for a couple months until I finally mustered every ounce of courage to come out to him. Unfortunately growing up, I had a hard time ever talking to my dad, we butted heads a lot, had plenty of arguments that may at have bordered physical confrontation (luckily never gone that far or passed that line) as we just simply had completely polar opposite and conflicting personalities. Although we did have our fun or father and son moments together on occasion and he'd often take interest in whatever projects were going on in my life. However, me being anti-social and introverted did not help as my father is a very outspoken and extroverted personality with a big ego, and likely a tad narcissistic.
The day I told my dad, even with my mom nearby, that moment when I came out as trans to my dad, he was not happy one bit, he was immediately furious and very defensive. I don't remember exactly what was said, but one thing that I do remember distinctively from this moment is that when I said to him something along the lines of "I feel like I was born wrong the wrong gender, that I should have been born female", he took this statement like a personal attack, as he responded irrationally and in anger by accusing me of stating that he and my mom were biologically or genetically defective or something along those lines. Overall wasn't a pleasant encounter, and hate to say it but he sort of turned himself into the victim behind all the anger and treated me being transgender as an attack either against him or the family.
However not all was lost, I would say a year later, maybe more, I eventually won over my dad. Thanks to me being in college at the time and enthralled in English literature and composition classes, my writing game was on point around this period, so one day, feeling inspired to try to do something to spawn the ever-growing wedge between us, I just began writing... I just began composing a letter to my dad. Next thing I remember is I walked to my parent's room where my dad would watch tv, and I said "here.", handed a folded letter to him and slinked away back to my room. I honestly don't remember what I wrote in that letter (wish I could), but whatever it was, all I know is that sometime later there was a knock at my bedroom door, my dad asked to come in and wanted to talk to me, he was visibly crying; he hugged me and said numerous apologies to me, and from that day forward he accepted who I truly am, I was no longer his son, instead his daughter. The memory of this day is making me tear up right now typing this as this recently my dad was recently taken from us (malpractice), and that memory of him accepting me as his daughter was one of the most cherished memories I can recall with my dad.
So it was on one of these outings, while three of us were hanging out in one of our hotel rooms hanging out, not sure what provoked it but I spontaneously decided to come out truthfully to them, and by truthfully, I mean they knew I had a boyfriend before, so all the girls in the office just thought I was gay (actually bi), however their response to the reveal that I was actually transgender, they took this moment as an opportunity to firstly express being happy about it but secondly, to pile on to try to talk me into letting both of them do my makeup and curl part of my hair (as seen in two of the photos above). Back home, and with encouragement by my coworkers, I soon decided to come out to the entire office and began showing up to work in some make up and as female, but still dressed as male as I didn't really own any appropriate for an office/normal female attire.
So it was on one of these outings, while three of us were hanging out in one of our hotel rooms hanging out, not sure what provoked it but I spontaneously decided to come out truthfully to them, and by truthfully, I mean they knew I had a boyfriend before, so all the girls in the office just thought I was gay (actually bi), however their response to the reveal that I was actually transgender, they took this moment as an opportunity to firstly express being happy about it but secondly, to pile on to try to talk me into letting both of them do my makeup and curl part of my hair (as seen in two of the photos above). Back home, and with encouragement by my coworkers, I soon decided to come out to the entire office and began showing up to work in some make up and as female, but still dressed as male as I didn't really own any appropriate for an office/normal female attire.
but alas, government work always has the risk of government budget cuts and layoffs, and this is exactly what happened to the office I was at, as one-by-one we were let go until there was only a handful of us left and ultimately our jobs made redundant by being contracted out to 3rd party.
Especially as this was still in the time of what I personally call the tail end of the dark ages for trans people. The tail end of when doctors/clinics could refuse to provide care to someone if they are trans (even for non-trans related issues), where trans care was still considered cosmetic by the insurance companies and even by medical doctors and clinics... The horror stories you use to hear about in some areas of the US, how even doctors or insurance companies refused to treat patients with serious health issues, such as cancer and refuse cancer treatment, because the individual was transgender; all because their appearance or their biology did not match the gender on their medical record. Luckily, we are way past this (for the most part), the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) came along to overhaul the healthcare and insurance system and overall trans-awareness, especially legislation in the later part of the last decade solved many of these issues trans individuals, including myself I faced when I was transitioning back then and trans care has since and is considered medically necessary and no longer is it considered cosmetic by insurers.
This year, I reached out and stumbled upon some transgender groups online, also with our swap to Slack, the Glamazon and Transgender Affinity Groups, all of these resources have been a big help in helping me rediscover my confidence and especially reading other's "coming out stories", seeing plenty of before and after photos, I have decided enough is enough, it's time to do something about this!
I will be starting my transition again to female, so I hope you aren't caught by surprise and you had time to process this. It's been many years since the last time, so let me apologize in advance when I do if I seem off, look strange, and/or act very socially awkward, as I will need time to undo and break a lot of bad habits and undo years of socialization and relearn how to be and hopefully resettle comfortably as female once again.
Any who, if you have any questions, doesn't matter if you feel they may be taboo, too personal, or even private, still feel free to ask. Trust me, this is not my first rodeo, I have years of previous experience with this and I've pretty much heard every question in the book in those years, so don't feel afraid or shy to ask whatever may be on your mind,
Thank you for reading to the end of this novel :P
- Raven
P.S. for those who are not of the faint of heart, I have a haunting tale from the past... it involves bass guitars, metal music, friends, and my unfortunate personal first-hand encounter with Transphobia :| https://ravennn.blogspot.com/2022/10/to-play-bass-guitar-some-time-after.html
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