To play bass guitar that was the dream... Sometime after highschool ended along with a friend from high school who played drums, who I've first known since middle school and who we became best friends after highschool, I phoned them up one day and proposed that we should start a band again; we were previously in one during high school with other HS friends. My friend and I hung out multiple times per week, usual stuff, go out for food, go to concerts, and "bro it up", so forming a new band was just something else we could do together. Soon we were joined by a guitarist and sometime later vocalist we recruited by posting fliers at various rehearsal studios and dropping off at concert venues, soon we all became friends as we practiced, got to know each other, shared similar interests, and created music together.
As time went on, our band was growing somewhat in the Los Angeles metal scene, we eventually built a cult following of fans, got the privledge to play at virtually every Hollywood venue at the time along the Sunset strip and Santa Monica Blvd (The Roxy, Key Club, House of Blues, Troubadour, etc), chiefly opening for other metal acts and warming up the crowds, but occasionally we'd headline our own shows at lesser Hollywood/LA area venues (Knitting Factory, Whiskey, Larchmont, etc), and even other venues around the state of California and neighboring.
Then it happened, while we were at a rehearsal studio, preparing for an upcoming show that week, while standing around in the parking lot having a chat as we usually do before we parted ways for the night or my best friend and I decide to go get food and drinks at some restaurant sports bar, the band wanted to have a serious talk with me.. Turns out one of the vocalist's friends had stumbled upon one of my personal social media accounts, not that hard since it wasn't secret, however they discovered I was dating a guy and I assume felt the need to talk to the vocalist about. Soon everyone knew because this night in that parking lot, my friends were taking issue with the fact that I was gay and to my dismay, discovering they were each homophobic.
The primary reasoning they gave for taking issue was something along the lines of "the band's image" with us being a death metal band, and if people found out that one of it's members is gay; I guess in their minds, it would result in backlash or hate from the fans or public.
Their solution to this? Bash on me and my boyfriend to my face, share their displeasure with the thought, then they demanded that I keep it a secret. Remove all posts/photos of us, or make my social media accounts private. Real homophobic statements and demands.
My response to this? This is where I spilled the beans. Firstly, I let them know I was actually bi, secondly, that my boyfriend was transgender, lastly, immediately followed this by revealing to them that I too am transgender; for all this time, I have been on hormones for a couple years by that point, that I had been wearing compression shirts under my t-shirts to hide my breasts that have been developing as a result of the hormones.
So after dropping off my equipment, I drove over to my best friend's house and as soon as everyone was there, the band wanted another serious chat with me, this time dropping a prejudice loaded bombshell on me, telling me that because I am transgender, that they want me out of the band... that they were putting "band image" or just the thought of what others may (or may not) think or say, over the years of us being a tight knit band up to that point. Even the drummer, who was my best friend turned against me -.-
I also learned the real reason why they specifically wanted to go to my best friend's house, as unlike the vocalist and guitarist who weren't really computer users, the drummer was the only other computer user besides myself, and the reason for going to my best friend's was because they insisted that I give up all the passwords to the band's social media accounts and website; I was the one who managed/updated these. At first, I resisted, announced I was going to leave, however at the first twitch I made towards the exit, they essentially blockaded me from leaving by standing between me and the doorway, then proceeded to coerced me to give up the accounts. I was forced to give in to their demand as I was afraid of what may happen if I continued my protest, considering they would not allow me to leave, not until they were able to successfully change the passwords and swap all the accounts to my now ex-best friend's email.
So simply put, not only were my friends homophobic, but more so transphobic, as they were willing to throw away all we have built together, years of forming and grinding the venue scenes, years of friendship, especially the drummer, my best friend, who chose to throw away almost 10 years' worth of friendship. Then all turn against me to the point of coercion. I was devastated.
To this day, a bit over a decade later, it still makes me feel sad to reflect upon this event, my own personal experience of transphobia, not by strangers, but by my very own friends...
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Luckily, Karma is a vengeful bitch.
Came to find out that I was replaced with one of the vocalist's friends as they wasted no time finding a replacement and updating the band's lineup on the various online profiles. They may have easily found a new bassist, however one key thing they neglected upon booting me out; above where I mentioned that I managed the band, that I maintained all the industry contacts, booked our shows, etc.. I was not lying. So when I was booted out of the band, they also booted my contacts, my networking skills, and years of experience of how to reach out to the various proper channels in the music scene.
This was the one thing could not take from me that night they cast me aside like garbage.
As much as I wish I could laugh about or be angry about this event, instead I just feel sadness. Sad because we honestly had a good thing going, momentum was building as time passed, and all of that time, sweat, and effort each one of us put into that band was all for nothing as all of the momentum we've built up together came to a screeching halt that night, all because the people who I thought were my friends were transphobic and showed their true colors with their inability to have a bit of understanding or support for a transgender friend.
About a year after this event, I did receive a call out of the blue from the guitarist who wanted to come over my house, I accepted, and we'd occasionally hang out, even during when I started living full time as female, and occasionally we'd go on double dates, they with their fiancé and me then with an accepting girlfriend, but from them I learned that no sooner than 1/2 a year after I was kicked out from the band, the band split (broke up).
It turns out I was also good at keeping them in check, making the phonecalls to everyone before each rehearsal to make sure they all showed up, etc, as he mentioned they just couldn't keep the band organized, even had issues trying to get together to just rehearse at a rehearsal studio, as one or more of them would flake out or make excuses, and on top of this they had issues trying to book any worthwhile gigs which killed the thunder and I guess the drive to keep playing the band had built up over the years.
Of my old band mates, the guitarist was the one and only one who reached out to apologize and try to form a friendship. I am grateful for that and of course I instantly forgave them and accepted their friendship as if it had never ended.
This event gives me strength to stand strong and keep my composure as I let stranger's comments slip pass me or tell those who can't take a hint, in a calm and collected manner, that I don't have the time of day for them nor care what about anything they have to say, or sometimes I'd laugh them off when with my better, understanding, and supportive friends. I am beyond hate, transphobia does not drag me down thanks to this.
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I retired from playing bass, even as a hobby, unfortunately playing bass for me in the years immediately proceeding, had this dark moment associated with it, and anytime I would try to play my bass, or simply think about playing bass, I'd just end up dwelling upon that event. So I ultimately gave it up and eventually got rid of everything, did not even keep a single bass guitar, not even this ultra rare beauty:
